


i don't feel like me sometimes

by constellation_roses



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Bad Days, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Renee Walker, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker, Multi, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Neil Josten, Polyamory, Soft Andrew Minyard, and andrew and kevin prove that, its just neil worrying that his boys won't accept them, like barely any, which is obviously false
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:33:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27167968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constellation_roses/pseuds/constellation_roses
Summary: Neil has a gender crisis and Renee helps. Andrew and Kevin comfort their partner after.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day/Neil Josten, Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 2
Kudos: 130





	i don't feel like me sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for any mistakes there might be! i wrote this in an hour and didn't edit it at all, so there might be some mistakes. 
> 
> anyway, i wanted nb neil because there aren't enough of those fics out there, and i made it kandreil because i love them and they all deserve to be happy. also genderfluid renee, because i can!

It was a bad day for Neil, which meant cuddles on the couch and old exy recordings. Where Andrew hated to be touched on bad days, Neil craved it. His father only touched him in ways that made him hurt, and his mother had done the same while they were on the run. Having Kevin and Andrew with him, holding him close, helped him overwrite those experiences. 

Most bad days were caused by specific moments that Neil could recognize as triggers. Maybe a nightmare, or a dashboard lighter (Andrew had gotten rid of the one in the Maz when Neil had a panic attack after getting out of the hospital). Today there was no trigger. His skin felt wrong, not itchy or painful, just _wrong wrong wrong_. 

He’d felt like this sometimes while on the run with his mother, but he never had time to stop and think about it. Now that he had time, he had no words to understand or explain it.

Andrew and Kevin were talking over his head, words that Neil couldn’t quite focus on. Not that it mattered. They had no expectations for him today, content to hold him and talk to each other. 

“It’s just a bad day, Kevin. I have them, you have them, he’s allowed to have them too.” Neil could hear Andrew clearer now. 

Neil wasn’t sure why the pronouns Andrew used for him stuck out so much. Neil was a him. That was-- it was what was expected of him. But maybe, it wasn’t right?

Neil got up off the couch, wrapping the soft blanket around himself. Herself? No, that’s not right either. Kevin and Andrew were talking at Neil, but the words didn’t register. 

Renee was who Neil needed to see. Maybe she could help with this. 

She was in her dorm with Allison when Neil showed up. Neil couldn’t talk yet, just gestured for Renee to follow. She did, looking confused. Usually, Andrew was the one coming to Renee for help, not Neil. 

When the two of them got to the roof and sat down, Neil was ready to talk.

“How did-- how did you know you were genderfluid?” Neil asked.

Renee smiled warmly at Neil. “Some days, I was comfortable in my body. I liked being a girl, and I liked how that made me feel. Other days, my female-ness grated on me. I never felt like a boy, but on those days I didn’t feel like a girl either. My foster mother was very open and accepting, and she helped me find the term genderfluid. That’s what felt right to me, but there are lots of other gender terms that might fit someone else better.”

“Do you ever feel like your body is wrong? And you don’t know how to fix it?” Neil whispered. 

“That’s a lot like how dysphoria feels to me, yes.”

“Renee, I think I might not be a boy.”

“Would you like me to teach you some of the terms? Maybe that would help you understand how you feel.” 

“Yes, please.” Neil was suddenly very glad that he had gone to Renee.

“Okay, let’s start with transgender. That means you don’t identify with the gender you were assigned at birth. Typically, people use transgender to refer to someone who was born female and is now male or vice versa, but it isn’t exclusive to binary genders.”

“I don’t think I’m a girl.”

“Non-binary is an umbrella term similar to transgender, but people use it on its own also. That means that you identify with a gender outside the male and female binary. Some people use more specific terms under the non-binary umbrella, but others prefer non-binary.”

“I think maybe that feels right to me. I know some of the others, like agender is a lack of gender or genderfluid, like you, which fluctuates between genders, but those feel….too constricting? I think?”

“That’s great, Neil! If those other terms feel too restricting for you, then that’s okay. You’re absolutely allowed to use non-binary.”

“I like that. I also think, maybe, I don’t like male pronouns?”

“We can talk about pronouns too. There’s obviously male and female, but there’s also they/them pronouns and neopronouns. Neopronouns include e/em, ze/zir, fae/faer, and a lot of others that I honestly don’t know, but only because I don’t use them for myself.”

“Can I try they/them?”

“Of course! And you can always decide that something doesn’t work for you and change it.”

“Do I have to change my name?”

“No! If you want to, you can, but no one will force you to change your name. I know how hard you worked hard to be able to be Neil Josten. You don’t have to change anything you don’t want to.”

“Thanks, Renee,” Neil said as they stood up. “I think I feel better now.”

Renee waved them off, claiming the need for Allison cuddles as she walked toward the rooftop door. Neil stayed back as she left, needing a little more time to themself before going back down to see Andrew and Kevin again. Renee would probably let them know they were up here, but she wouldn’t tell them what they talked about.

They had known there were other genders besides males and female for a while but never had they questioned the way they felt about themself. Neil still wasn’t comfortable in their body, but they weren’t sure what they could change to feel right. That might be a conversation for a different day. Their head was already spinning with the information they had learned today.

Maybe it was time to go face their partners. Andrew and Kevin were both accepting of Renee, so they would accept Neil too, right? Logically, they knew there was nothing to be scared of. Andrew and Kevin had already proven they would love Neil no matter what, but still, the fear was there. 

Neil made their way down to the dorm, hesitating at the door before pushing it open. Andrew and Kevin weren’t on the couch anymore, but Neil could hear laughter in the kitchen and the sizzle of food on the stovetop. 

Andrew was the first to realize Neil was back, hopping off the counter and opening his arms as an invitation. At first, the three of them had asked _yes or no_ every time they showed any affection, but over time boundaries had been established and there were things they could do without asking. Neil melted into Andrew’s arms, both grateful for the affection and terrified that it would be the last they would ever get. 

“Hey, love,” Andrew said softly. “Renee said you might have something to tell us when you got back.”

Well, Andrew always was blunt. Neil buried their head further into Andrew’s chest, trying to escape the fear threatening to overwhelm them.

“Neil. Is something wrong?” Andrew asked. Kevin was definitely paying attention to them now, and he walked over to wrap himself around Neil and Andrew. 

Neil couldn’t help it. They started crying into Andrew’s chest. 

“I-- please don’t leave me,” Neil mumbled. 

Andrew pushed Neil away so he could see their face. “We aren’t going to leave you, but you have to tell us what’s going on, sweetheart.”

  
“I’m not a boy,” Neil whispered. Their face was red, and their eyes were wet with tears. “But I’m not a girl either.”

“Neil,” Kevin said from behind them, arms still on their shoulders. “We aren’t going to leave you for that. Can you tell us what terms you want us to use for you now?”

“But, Andrew--” Neil was cut off by Andrew speaking.  
  
“Kevin’s right, Neil. I’m gay, yes, but I’m not going to stop loving you because you aren’t a boy. If you were a girl, things might be different, but you said you aren’t, so it isn’t an issue. Now, what terms do you want to use?”

“Non-binary. They/them, for pronouns. I’m not changing my name.”

“Thank you for telling us, love. I know that’s not easy, but I promise we still love you. You’re our partner, and we need you. Okay?” Andrew said, holding Neil’s face in his hands.

Neil nodded, falling back into Andrew’s chest, crying again.

“Can I pick you up, Neil?” Kevin asked softly. Neil nodded again, and Kevin turned them around to carry them to the couch.

  
The three of them returned to their places on the couch from that morning, cuddled under the blanket, sharing soft kisses and _I love you_ ’s. It might have started as a bad day, but maybe it didn’t have to stay that way.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
